Once I no longer have to worry about listeria, horrific heartburn, gestational diabetes, and giving my child mercury poisoning or God only knows what else, I have big plans. BIG plans. As in, I will be as big as a house after eating all of these things:
- An everything bagel piled high with cream cheese, tomato, capers and all of the lox in Florida
- Champagne. Beer. Wine. I’m not picky, I would just like a drink.
- A super gooey, slightly under baked cinnamon roll with extra frosting on the side
- An entire loaf of bourbon chocolate chip banana bread with salted butter (this is actually in my freezer right now, taunting me.)
- Smoked fish dip with a sleeve of saltines and a ton of hot sauce and lemon
- A giant peanut buster parfait blizzard with peanut butter (No, it’s not on the menu. Yes, they’ll make it for you if you ask. Sometimes I get malt powder in it, too, and it’s so good I might as well die right there.)
- Sushi. All of it. (Dragonfly, start preparing now.)
- Gallons of queso and jalapeño sauce from Chuy’s.
- A dirty chai latte frappucino
- An unbelievably rare roast beef sandwich slathered in horseradish with the sharpest cheddar I can find
- Eggs benedict with good poached eggs, the ones with super runny yolks that blend in with the hollandaise. Preferably with a giant mound of breakfast potatoes to soak all of that up. And a mimosa.
- A footlong coney from Sonic with mustard, onions, and extra cheese with a non-diet cherry limeade
I’m sure there’s more. There has to be. And yes, these are the things I think about when heartburn and insomnia kick in and keep me up all night.
